Editor’s note: This post is about our weekend at Engagement Encounters. It was truly a magical weekend for the both of us.
Fred’s story: It was night time and the Church was dark, except for a few candles flickering near the Eucharist. The priest instructed us to come to the altar and grab a candle. One by one, the 20 couples lit their candles and suddenly the chapel was filled with light.
“The light is symbolic of your love for one another,” the priest said.
Holding the candle, burning brightly, I looked into Jaclyn’s beautiful brown eyes. My toes, chest, fingers, arms and legs tingled. And my neck hairs stood tall. I was experiencing pure love and was enamored how gorgeous Jaclyn looked with the soft candlelight illuminating her dark hair.
“Take this moment,” the priest began, “and if you like, ask him or her for forgiveness for a past sin.”
Jaclyn rubbed her soft hands up and down my arm. In her sweet voice, she asked, “who goes first?” My ribs felt heavy. I have told Jaclyn everything about my past: the fraternity, the Army, the many women, the drunken nights and my childhood. But not once have I asked for her forgiveness. Although she knew my demons and worst fears, I feared she would have a change of heart about me.
But she didn’t.
She listened and kissed me on the cheek. And forgave me.
Tears filled my eyes. My heart rapidly raced. And my body was warm all over. I felt closer to Jaclyn than I thought possible.
That’s what the entire weekend was like. Each session brought me closer to my bride to be, and every talk encouraged the fact Jaclyn and I are the perfect match for one another. We talked about finances, children, communication, forgiveness, morality and how to argue fairly—try holding hands the next time you fight and see how little you yell.
This was by far the best weekend of my life, with the most important person of my life. I am so excited to get married. I am in love.
Jaclyn’s story: I was nervous when we arrived at Mount Saint Francis and did not know what to expect out of the Engaged Encounter weekend. I had a vague idea of lectures and stories by long term couples and that we would come away with some really good tips on household management. As with the FOCCUS test, I was a little worried that some deep seeded problem in our relationship would surface and that we would not be able to fix it.
In actuality, Fred and I discovered we were even more solid then we thought.
We got to the center on time and saw a lot of couples carrying in bags and being led to separate rooms by other couples. Most of the guys looked like Fred - like they had been dragged there. After settling in, we convened in a meeting room and were greeted by the two presenting couples (Steve and Sherry married for 20 years and Sam and Lynn married for 11 years) and Father Mark. We all introduced ourselves and said what we first found attractive about our fiance before moving on with the real work.
One of the presenting couples along with the priest would present a topic and then we would individually journal about it then privately discuss our answers. There were over a dozen different sections including open communication, decision making, intimacy, morality, forgiveness, and planning a life-giving marriage. The presenting couples shared some very personal details of their relationship with us – no fluff, the real nitty gritty. Through their examples, we got advise and tips, but the retreat was about us, not them or any other couple. In fact, despite the 20+ couples who attended, there was little time to buddy up and mingle. There was also no “oh look at them” or pretentious behavior.
One of the major things I came away with was how sacred marriage is. Not only did I learn this through our personal reflections, but a also from the group discussion we had with the other couples that involved a lot of personal revelations, sharing of beliefs, tears, and laughter. The emotional strength of a person to share and reach out to a group of strangers with their intimate fears and questions about faith, marriage, sex, divorce, and sin is a testament to the power of a faithful community. Before this retreat, I don’t think I ever understood how important marriage was not just to ourselves and our family, but to the Church, to the community, and to God.
I think the most meaningful moment of the entire weekend occurred during the prayer service. In a dark church illuminated by one candle we were seated in pews on opposite sides of the aisles from our mates. This isolation was intentional and powerfully symbolic. After hearing about the power of forgiveness in marriage, we were called together to the alter to receive our own candle and to sit together as a couple and ask forgiveness from the other. The experience of sitting in the church lit by the candles of couple’s whispering confessions cannot be articulated in words. We wrote our own prayer to say together with Sam and Lynn, then sat with Father Mark for blessing and confession. We then had a small ceremony of anointing each others hands in oil, taking each others hands as Father Mark reminded us that these were the hand that would care for each other, for our family, for our home all the days of our lives – “now give your sweetie a big smooch!” Even writing this I am feeling choked up.
This retreat was not meant to fix any problems in a relationship, but to uncover or learn how to cope with them. In the last discussion, there was even a piece that allowed couples to reflect on whether they wanted to wait or go through with the marriage. The team couples told us that it has happened more than once that engagement were broken after really having the chance to communicate at this level. This weekend was also not about making everyone Catholic. A large percentage of couples were mixed and many of the Catholics there were still struggling to find what their faith means to them in their adult life. While there were Church positions discussed on certain matters, overall there was little dogma and even less judgement.
Our journals from this weekend will be treasured throughout our life together. The answers we sought from elders were all the time in ourselves. There is no way to describe how intense this was for us and how our relationship has grown even deeper in 48 hours. It is also hard not to get preachy and want every engaged couple to have the chance to go through this workshop.
Because of the depth and detail of the subjects we journaled about, Fred and I realized just what a deep and loving relationship we have. There are no words I can use to convey what this has meant to us. Well, maybe one word – Unity.
